Per my love for all things celebrity gossip, I ran across this article about Jon Gosselin and what appears to be girlfriend #3. This led me to think about the types of mistakes I see parents make with regards to dating after they split up. I say "split" instead of divorce, because the same rules apply for married and never married parents. Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. My advice is from the perspective of a family law attorney who sees first hand what has worked for my clients, my friends and colleagues and what hasn't.Mistake #1: Going Straight from "Single" to "In a Relationship"
Otherwise known as the above-referenced "Jon Gosselin Method," this situation is probably the most common, and, as far as human nature goes, the most understandable. Lots of things can stay the same after separation, bills can still be shared, child care can still be shared, but what cannot be shared is companionship. Being alone is the probably the biggest and most unpleasant change a newly separated parent deals with, especially if that parent was not the one who initiated the split. A common reaction to this unpleasantness is to avoid it altogether by entering into a new, and quickly intense, relationship with someone else. In comparing the new partner to the old partner, one often only sees the good sides of the new partner, and thus thinks this person is perfect and the relationship is going to last forever, so why not introduce Mr. or Miss Perfect to the kids?
Well, a couple reasons. One, even if this person is really THE person you will end up with, your kids may not be ready to totally sever their fantasy of their parents being together. There are enough changes going on, changes in schedule, changes in where they sleep, eat, who picks them up from school and even changes in how they view their parents since now each parent must take on the role of both parents when the kids are with them. They need a break in the change department, and an easy way to give them a break is to avoid introducing them to a new relationship until at least six months to a year after separation. If it has been six months to a year after separation, then I would suggest a good rule of thumb is to introduce a new partner after 2-3 months of dating, and even then, to refrain from words like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" and stick with "friend" until the kids warm up a bit. Kids will generally become attached to the new partner in some way, and if things don't work out, they will feel that loss. This is not something be taken lightly.
This is also not to say you should be lying to your kids. The truth does need to be told, but it can be told gradually and in an age-appropriate manner that eases them into yet another change in their lives.
Mistake #2: Freaking Out When the Other Parent Goes Straight from "Single" to "In A Relationship"
It's fairly simple. Let them know that they can ask you anything they need to, even if they are worried you may not like it. And if/when they do ask you about the other partners' dating habits, answer their questions calmly, truthfully and without any ill will toward the other parent.
A good soundbite I tell parents to use when the other parent has put the kids in a tough spot: "I'm sorry you have to deal with that and that's something only grown-ups should have to worry about. You can always talk to me about anything you are uncomfortable with, and I will work with "Other Parent" to help work things out." This way, kids don't start thinking they can pit one parent against the other, but they feel supported in their feelings.
Mistake #3: Oversharing About Your or the Other Parents Dating Relationship with the Kids
Talking to your kids about who are dating, when the time comes, does not mean sharing every, single detail. Just keep it simple. I suggest letting children think of the new partner like they would a new friend at school. Someone they can have fun with and someone they should respect, nothing more, nothing less. If there are "You're not my mom" issues, there need not be a 30 minute discussion about the difference between mom and a new girlfriend. A simple "We respect "New Partner" because he/she is our friend, and we treat all of our friends with respect."
Mistake #4: Totally Ignoring the Dating Issue with the Kids
If you're not at the stage where it's time to introduce the kids to a new partner, or even if there isn't a new partner but you are going out on dates, kids aren't stupid and if they ask questions, their questions should be answered in an honest, yet age-appropriate manner. For example, if a child asks "Do you have a boyfriend?" and you are dating, but haven't reached a level of commitment where that would be shared with the children, an answer could "I like to spend time with all my friends and sometimes I may go out with male friends, but I don't have a boyfriend." As with the prior examples, answers to issues like this should be short, sweet and age-appropriate. Delving into details, talking about possible scenarios, generally serves to confuse kids who are usually just checking in to make sure everything is ok and nothing is going on behind their backs.
Mistake #5: Only Paying Attention To the Kids, Never Enjoying Adult Time
Some parents avoid the first 4 Mistakes but not dating or socializing at all. This is a huge mistake. Even if you are not ready to date, you should spend time with your adult friends and family, away from the kids. Putting too much focus on the children generally leads to spoiled kids. Kids need parents who are in tune with their adult selves, and by "getting out there" with old friends and new ones, helps ease loneliness that divorce can bring, and help to re-center and make you a better parent.
