Warning: This May Be Depressing

As you can imagine, when you are listed under "Divorce" in the Yellow Pages, you get a lot of calls from people who are "kind of sort of thinking about" getting a divorce. The caller is usually nervous and has no idea what to even say to me. I usually start by asking them "Where are you in your process? Have you talked about it at all?" The answers then vary (of course), ranging from "We just finally decided to do it last night", "We've been talking about it for months and I'm tired of just talking about it" and the ever-popular "I've been thinking about it but he/she has no idea." Invariably, much of what the caller wants from me "The Big Scary Divorce Attorney" is to tell them when they are ready to get a divorce.

What you're probably expecting me to say is that I can't tell someone when they should get a divorce, that it's a decision only they can make, all of which is [mostly] true. But on the other hand, there are definitely circumstances where What you're probably expecting me to say is that I can't tell someone when they should get a divorce, that it's a decision only they can make, all of which is [mostly] true. But on the other hand, there are definitely circumstances where I can say with confidence to a caller "You have waited long enough, you should really hire an attorney." Some of these circumstances include:

Any situation of physical abuse. If s/he has shoved you, slapped you, held a Kitchen-Aid mixer over your head (true story) thrown things at you, pulled your hair or in any way shape or form lashed out at you in anger in a physical way, you need to sit down with a lawyer. Not just because you need to discuss your options for leaving the marriage (or the relationship if you have kids together), but because most good family lawyers know of great resources, i.e. therapists, support groups, community advocates, etc., and you're probably going to need some of those too.

Most situations of verbal and psychological abuse. If s/he is calling you a 'bitch', an 'asshole', a 'whore', a 'loser' 'fatass' or any other miriad of insults, as their primary form of arguing or having a disagreement, you are in a verbally abusive relationship and you need to either fix it or get out. I said "most" in the title, because believe it or not, I am a big supporter of therapy and I think if BOTH partners want to change the way they argue/disagree, it can be done. But if someone is putting you down and controlling your every move (criticizing your clothes, who you hang out with, checks your call history, freaks out about comments on facebook, you name it), and doesn't think anything they are doing is wrong? It is time to sit down with a lawyer and figure out your options for getting out of the marriage or relationship.

Most situations of lying, cheating and sneaking. This pretty much covers the gamut of things like gambling addictions, drug addictions and cheating. Again, I'm a big proponent of therapy, but if one person is either unwilling or unable (because really, addiction is a nasty disease) to change their behavior through aggressive therapeutic means, then its time to sit down with a lawyer AND in these situations it can be even more important because these types of issues tend to involve stealing/hiding/spending large amounts of money which could (if it hasn't already) devastate your finances if you don't take the proper legal steps/precautions.

And then of course, there is the HUGE gray area of "We just don't know each other anymore." Those are really the cases where, as much as I enjoy telling people what to do, I can't tell you what to do, and only you will know when and if starting the divorce process is right for you. My best advice in those situations is to give marriage counseling the good old college try and if, after trying REALLY HARD, you still feel the same, pick up the phone (or the keyboard) and get in touch with an attorney to see what the next steps may be like.

See? I told you this was a little depressing. But hey, the reality is that not all marriages are happily ever after and not all divorces have to be World War III. We're not ALL The Duggars but we're also not all Jon & Kate. Wow, TLC really has a monopoly on the ups and downs of marriage huh? Someone should start a study...

Jon Gosselin's Lawyer is an Idiot and Old Ladies in Shoes Shouldn't Throw Stones

I get it, most people could care less about Jon & Kate anymore. As a family law attorney, I have to admit, I am both riveted and absolutely disgusted by Jon's new legal team, particularly his new mouthpiece who has previously been suspended from practicing law for being a dirty sheister (that's a legal term), who was all over Fox News today bashing Kate. You can check it out if you want, but it is really incomprehensible.

Here's the short version of what probably happened. During a divorce, no one can withdraw or spend large amounts of money. They can pay their expenses but they can't empty $200K out of the joint account {ahem! Mr. Gosselin...} Jon did this, and had to put the money back and Kate had to provide an accounting for how she had paid the family's "regular expenses." She provided the accounting, didn't have to show for court, and Attorney Crazypants who represents Jon (who may not even be admitted to practice in Pennsylvania...) took the opportunity to mix some metaphors and bash her on the courthouse steps.

And here we have a perfect example of why people hate lawyers. That anyone like Attorney Crazypants are the "face" of the profession on a nationwide scale is about as fair as Ann Coulter being considered the face of all Republicans {shudder}. Also, his accent is annoying and his metaphors are impossible to decipher. He legitimately said that if you live in a glass house, you shouldn't throw a stone because it could bounce back at you...um, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's now why "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." There was also some crazy rant about the old lady in the shoe but that one was so mixed up I couldn't begin to try to make sense of it. I guess they skipped basic, common anecdotes in law school.

Stay tuned for more ranting and raving re: the Jon & Kate divorce. What can I say? It's kinda fun isn't it??

Twitter Handles are Serious Business

So in between drafting a pre-trial memorandum and an execution on a judgment (see, I really am a lawyer), I decided I need a new Twitter name. Right now it's my law firm's name because the original idea was we would all tweet from our iPhones when the occasion arose. What really ended up happening was that I did all the tweeting. So now that I've built some relationships on Twitter, it seems like I should just really be myself there. So here's what I'm throwing around so far, feedback GREATLY appreciated because really, it took me around 8 hours to decide on this blog's name and it's pretty lame soooooo....creativity in naming things, not really my forte.

CaffeinatedLawyer (worried people can't spell caffeinated...and it's kinda long)

CoffeenerdedLawyer (still long but solves the spelling problem...plus I think it's kinda cute :)

Alternative: CoffeeNerdedLawyer?

KellyatJTLaw (boooooooooooring...but professional)

AttorneyNeubauer (also boring...and no one can ever spell my last name)

KellysLaw (I AM the law, ha ha)

ImNoNancyGrace (Trying to think of a famous lawyer that I'm not anything like, not really a fan of this angle but I'm grasping at straws here!!)

Alright, so I'm tapped and I have some real work to do today before noon, so I'm putting this out in the Facebook, Twitter, blog world and hoping for the best.

What if we get hit by a bus..at the same time...?

I am of the age where a good chunk of my friends have a young child or even more than one child (gasp!)...generally their kids are "watch him around the stove" and "don't let her eat grapes that aren't cut in half" ages. They look kinda like the baby in the picture, but since none of my friends' kids are as cute as that baby, I used a stranger's baby I found in a Google search...I mean, er, I'm protecting their privacy...Anyways, so most of my friends know that I do "Wills and stuff" and since so many of them are producing not-cute-enough-to-be-on-Google babies, I get a fair amount of questions, and concern, about what would happen to their children and all of their money, house, etc. if they die and don't have a Will. (I'm going to capitalize the word Will to distinguish it from the normal word "will"for clarity sake, but it is generally not capitalized. My English major side of me needed to make that clear.) And, since this is the 21st century, I'm going to tackle this question for my married friends, my unmarried-but-happily-coupled-with-children friends and my I-basically-raise-my-child-alone-and-his/her-other- parent-couldn't-keep-a-goldfish-alive-for-more-than-a-day-let-alone-raise-a-child friends.

First quick note. Just because you name a guardian in a Will doesn't automatically mean no one has to go to court. In most states, a guardian named in a Will still has to be approved by the court. The biggest thing naming a guardian does is give that guardian first priority over anyone else who seeks to be the guardian, and lets the court know that this is who the parents, who know the child the best, chose to trust their child with. That tends to go a pretty long way and carry alot of weight. Unless of course you're planning on naming Heidi and Spencer as the guardian of your child, in which case, I hope the judge has watched at least one episode of The Hills, maybe even that episode of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here as well, and makes the right decision. Also, in that case, I'm calling social services immediately.

Oh and one more thing, I need to make a BIG GIANT DISCLAIMER on this issue (ayep, I'm a lawyer...). I am only a lawyer in Massachusetts. I can't give specifics about what would happen in other states, only broad generalizations that are based on some light internet research. I don't care what state you are in, anyone and EVERYONE with children should have a Will. And while I'm here lecturing you about estate plans, anyone and EVERYONE over the age of 18 should have a Will, a Health Care Proxy (or your state's equivalent) and Durable Power of Attorney AT THE VERY LEAST. Even if you don't own anything, you want someone who can tell the doctors what to do if you're unconscious (that's the health care thing) and someone who can make sure your bills are paid on time if you're laid up for a few days, a few months or a few years (that's the power of attorney). Lecture over.

Let's start with Mr. and Mrs. Married. If Mr. married dies without a Will, and they have a child, the child stays with Mrs. Married. What happens to Mr. Married's property really varies from state to state, but Mrs. Married will get something. If they own their house as "joint tenants with rights of survivorship" or "tenants by the entirety" then Mrs. Married automatically gets the house without any probate (read: court) proceedings. You can find out how your house is owned by looking at the deed. You can look up most deeds on the internet nowadays by searching the "Registry of Deeds" in the county you live in. Can't wait to check it out? I'll give you a second....Ok, so also, anything owned in both people's names (joint bank accounts, joint investments) or anything that has a beneficiary named on it (retirement accounts are a good example of something that usually makes you name a beneficiary) will also go to whoever is named as the beneficiary without any probate proceedings. This is actually true for Marrieds AND Unmarrieds. Because joint accounts and things with beneficiaries named go directly to the joint accountholder and beneficiary, this is a GREAT way to have property pass outside of any court proceedings. But avoiding probate is another topic for another day.

Now, if Mr. and Mrs. Married die at the same time, someone will need to become the guardian of their child. If there is no Will, then who that guardian is depends on who files in court to be the guardian and who the court decides is the best choice. Generally (remember, I only know Massachusetts law) preference is given to blood relatives and in some states, a close friend would not even be allowed to petition for guardianship if they were not blood-related to the child. Where it can get even more sticky and awful is if there is more than one person who wants to be the guardian then there are generally lengthy court proceedings, involving deep investigations into each potential guardian, and the court (not the parents who know all these people and who know the child the best...because they didn't leave a will) decides who the child belongs with. And who does the child stay with during all this litigiation? Well, most courts have provisions for emergency, temporary guardianships (that's what happened in Michael Jackson's case), so the child is not necessarily homeless. But it still involves having to rush into court at a really traumatic time in everyone's life. Not very pleasant.

As for Mr. and Ms. Unmarried-but-Happily-Coupled-With-Children. If Mr. Happy Unmarried dies, and has no Will, Ms. Happy Unmarried would have custody of the child. As for property, she would only receive what was owned jointly between them. The child may get some of Mr.'s property, but in some states (Massachusetts being one of them), not all his property goes to his child, some could go to siblings and some to his parents even. (Has it sunk in that people REALLY need wills yet?) If both Mr. and Ms. Happy Unmarried die at the same time, and have no Will, then it is the same scenario as described for the Marrieds, which I shall hereinafter forever affectionately refer to as "Battle of the Guardians."

The bottom line for both the Marrieds and Unmarrieds is that if you and your child's other parent don't have a Will, all that knowledge that you have about your family and friends will be useless. Who has a discipline style that you agree with? Who can best financially support an additional (or first?) child in their home? Who does the child know and feel close to? Do you want them to stay in the same school district? Or do you want them only raised by family? Who is going to make sure your kid only eats organic lollipops!?!....Seriously though, this poor kid will have just lost both of his/her parents, what is going to be the best place for him/her? Do you really want a judge who will know your child for only as long as the court case lasts deciding who will raise the person you have known his/her entire life?? I'm pretty sure you're saying no and looking up estate planning attorneys in the phone book (shameless plug for myself and any of my fellow Massholes reading this -- I do great estate plans!)...but let me give my single parents out there some attention before I wrap this up.

If you are a single parent, and I'm not talking about my happy single parent friends who have great co-parenting relationships with their child's other parent. If you are single, have a child, are not living with your child's other parent, but have a great working relationship and trust in you child's other parent, then you STILL NEED A WILL. And while you and the other parent's Will is individual, you may want to consult with each other about who a good guardian would be and name the same person. Not required, just advisable, and I'll elaborate on what it means to name different guardians at the end of this whole shebang.

Ok, so if you are a single parent and your child's other parent is an unfit parent (I'm not talking about the fact that you cant't stand each other, I'm talking about your child would be in danger in the other parent's care if they were to care for the child unsupervised for lengthy periods of time) then you REALLY need a Will. Because otherwise, that other parent is who your child goes to automatically. And that best friend you have who has watched your child and you trust with your life and your kids are best friends? It could be the case that she/he would not even be able to file for guardianship because they are not family. And all the money you've managed to scrape together for college? And your personal belongings? And your car? Most of it passes to the child, some of it may go to your siblings or parents, and because the child is a minor, it is the other parent that controls what the child gets. Having a Will and naming a guardian does not in any way guarantee the other parent won't prove themself fit to take custody of the child, but it at the very least, can MAKE them prove they are fit to a judge.

Final note. Everyone's Will, even you Marrieds out there, is individual and therefore, it is possible to name different guardians. If this happens, and you each die at different times, then the second parent to die's Will is the guardian who is first in line. If you die at the same time, your child and the named guardians could be in for a "Battle of the Guardians." So generally, it is advisable to name the same guardian. This a really important discussion and there is no right answer that works for every couple. The child's personality, personal relationships, even where you live (for example, you don't want your child to have to move from New Jersey to California where your closest family lives) are just a few of the infinite number of factors that you can consider in naming a guardian.

So take the time, call an attorney, get a Will, throw in a Health Care Proxy (or whatever your state uses to let someone else make health care decisions for you if you're unconscious) and Durable Power of Attorney while you're at it, and sleep (if your kids aren't keeping you up) a little more soundly at night knowing that if both of your child's parents are hit by the same bus, they're taken care of the way YOU want them to be.

Why a Blawg?...Prefaced with a tangent about good and bad lawyers.

Since the moment I entered law school...strike that, since the moment I started telling anyone I was even thinking of law school, people have moaned and groaned about lawyers. They are too expensive, they lie, they don't listen, they cost too much, they talk too much, they make too much money, they don't return calls, their fees are too high, they are single-handedly killing the environment with the amount of paper that they produce...and did I mention that they're too expensive? Most of these "warnings" involved lying, sneaking lawyers making approximately $23895723895782397 per hour for very little productive work.

As I made my way through law school (Northeastern University for those of you wondering where I am in that picture...also of note, my fabulous friend Jenni overjoyed along with me), I encountered all kinds of lawyers. Lawyers that worked tirelessly for 80 hours a week for $37,500 a year (which is about $575 a week in one's paycheck), those that worked tirelessly 80 hours a week for $250,000 a year (I'm not gonna do the math on weekly paycheck, it's a lot, clearly), those that hardly worked at all and/or worked just enough for an entire range of salaries. I pretty quickly came to realize that how much money a lawyer made was really no indication as to how hard they worked or how passionate they were for their work.

You know what was an indication? How their clients felt about them. Now, I am aware I am speaking in very broad generalizations from my tiny perspective on the world at large. But I am not talking about "wins," because with the good lawyers, even if the case is "lost," and really, sometimes the facts are just against you, the client can still be happy. Not always happy with the cost, because yes, it matters to us lawyers how much we make, mostly because some of us are carrying upwards of $150,000 in student loan debt just to get to the bar exam {cough cough}. But the good lawyers, the passionate lawyers, the lawyer you want to be by your side when you're divorcing, handcuffed, trying to collect rent, trying to get heat in your apartment, defending your identity being stolen or for some other reason going through the alien process we call the American judicial system, that lawyer works tirelessly for you, and even if they can't "win" gets the best result possible for you, they will listen and take on the stress of the process for you and with you. And there are a LOT of us out there. We all make varying amounts of money, but we all have a common characteristic. We care about our clients. We care enough about the judicial system to do great work within its confines. Being a good lawyer matters to us for no reason other than it just should.

So what on earth does this "not all lawyers are evil" diatribe have to do with this blawg? Well, the purpose of the blawg, "mission statement" if we're gonna get all 'marketing-y', is to listen to the questions that are being raised, whether its in my private practice, personal life or the legal world in general, and give my opinion as a real-life, non-slimy lawyer. I am privileged to have the legal education that allows me to sift through the foreign language of 'legal-ese' and legal procedure, and I want to share it with all the normal people out there who are interested in legal "stuff" but can't understand half of it (or any of it) the majority of the time. And why shouldn't we all be able to understand what is going on in the legal world? We are all affected by it, somehow and some point or another, we should all be able to "get it."


Disclaimer (I am a REAL lawyer after all!): I am writing this as my "normal" self, who happens to be advantaged with a law degree, and as such, will tend to ramble, rant and roll on some tangents, generally of the pop culture or sports nature. I will quote movies, particularly Will Ferrell movies, and TV shows, particularly The Office and 30 Rock, a LOT. So if you're looking for a law review article with perfect citations, no typos, and lots of big words, it's probably not here. Also, as I comment on the world around me, my personal political views may become apparent so I'll just put this out there (if you don't like it, you can throw it right back) I am pretty liberal. I'll try to stay neutral but if Rush Limbaugh gives it another go at purchasing a professional sports team, I probably won't keep my mouth shut.

ONE more thing...if you have questions or topics you want me to address, even specific scenarios from your own life, send them to me. I'm not only looking for good blog material, I actually kinda enjoy helping people out too (which I can't often do for free, so God bless the internet!).