As you can imagine, when you are listed under "Divorce" in the Yellow Pages, you get a lot of calls from people who are "kind of sort of thinking about" getting a divorce. The caller is usually nervous and has no idea what to even say to me. I usually start by asking them "Where are you in your process? Have you talked about it at all?" The answers then vary (of course), ranging from "We just finally decided to do it last night", "We've been talking about it for months and I'm tired of just talking about it" and the ever-popular "I've been thinking about it but he/she has no idea." Invariably, much of what the caller wants from me "The Big Scary Divorce Attorney" is to tell them when they are ready to get a divorce.
What you're probably expecting me to say is that I can't tell someone when they should get a divorce, that it's a decision only they can make, all of which is [mostly] true. But on the other hand, there are definitely circumstances where What you're probably expecting me to say is that I can't tell someone when they should get a divorce, that it's a decision only they can make, all of which is [mostly] true. But on the other hand, there are definitely circumstances where I can say with confidence to a caller "You have waited long enough, you should really hire an attorney." Some of these circumstances include:
Any situation of physical abuse. If s/he has shoved you, slapped you, held a Kitchen-Aid mixer over your head (true story) thrown things at you, pulled your hair or in any way shape or form lashed out at you in anger in a physical way, you need to sit down with a lawyer. Not just because you need to discuss your options for leaving the marriage (or the relationship if you have kids together), but because most good family lawyers know of great resources, i.e. therapists, support groups, community advocates, etc., and you're probably going to need some of those too.
Most situations of verbal and psychological abuse. If s/he is calling you a 'bitch', an 'asshole', a 'whore', a 'loser' 'fatass' or any other miriad of insults, as their primary form of arguing or having a disagreement, you are in a verbally abusive relationship and you need to either fix it or get out. I said "most" in the title, because believe it or not, I am a big supporter of therapy and I think if BOTH partners want to change the way they argue/disagree, it can be done. But if someone is putting you down and controlling your every move (criticizing your clothes, who you hang out with, checks your call history, freaks out about comments on facebook, you name it), and doesn't think anything they are doing is wrong? It is time to sit down with a lawyer and figure out your options for getting out of the marriage or relationship.
Most situations of lying, cheating and sneaking. This pretty much covers the gamut of things like gambling addictions, drug addictions and cheating. Again, I'm a big proponent of therapy, but if one person is either unwilling or unable (because really, addiction is a nasty disease) to change their behavior through aggressive therapeutic means, then its time to sit down with a lawyer AND in these situations it can be even more important because these types of issues tend to involve stealing/hiding/spending large amounts of money which could (if it hasn't already) devastate your finances if you don't take the proper legal steps/precautions.
And then of course, there is the HUGE gray area of "We just don't know each other anymore." Those are really the cases where, as much as I enjoy telling people what to do, I can't tell you what to do, and only you will know when and if starting the divorce process is right for you. My best advice in those situations is to give marriage counseling the good old college try and if, after trying REALLY HARD, you still feel the same, pick up the phone (or the keyboard) and get in touch with an attorney to see what the next steps may be like.
See? I told you this was a little depressing. But hey, the reality is that not all marriages are happily ever after and not all divorces have to be World War III. We're not ALL The Duggars but we're also not all Jon & Kate. Wow, TLC really has a monopoly on the ups and downs of marriage huh? Someone should start a study...
No comments:
Post a Comment